Wario, You're DEAD(and other thoughts on MarioKart Wii)!

Hey everybody! If you want to read this review on a more established blog, or if you simply want to see it in different colors, then head over to my buddy Justin's blog, Preheated360 at http://preheat360.blogspot.com/, your new source for all things XBOX360 related; where this review is currently enjoying a handsome guest spot. Both of us could really use your support, so become a follower today! Enjoy "Wario, You're DEAD(and other thoughts on MarioKart Wii)!" by Bryan Ritchey, with additions by Justin Brenis.



In life, one will frequently stumble upon people who would rather die than give something that failed a second chance. Oddly, one will also find people who would rather die than play a sequel to a fantastic game. And then there are those people that say “who cares, let’s go play MarioKart.”


I’m sure most of you are surprised to see what some consider to be a “over-the-hill game” being reviewed alongside such modern, head-crushing games like Megaman and Resident Evil 5. Let me assure you that while you may not get to blast zombies’ torso’s off or shoot projectiles straight of out of your arm, MarioKart Wii for the Nintendo Wii has just as much fun in it as any other game. Nowhere else in the entire gaming world will you get more pleasure than watching the douchebag in first place get hit by three empty turtle shells---right before you bulldoze into him from behind, and knock him right off the course.

Originally I was going to blanket MarioKart Wii with the same words I would blanket an “F” on an exam, but then I went back and played MarioKart 64(for Nintendo 64) and realized what an fucking awesome improvement MarioKart Wii is, as well as how big of a fucking dick I can be at times. While the Wii version certainly has its flaws, it is, by far, the most creative and well made game of the series.

For starters, this game introduces motor bikes to the vehicle list, which allow the player to weave and wind their way through courses at will, with excellent turning abilities hindered only by a reduction in speed, when compared to the standard karts. Each vehicle now comes with their own specifications in speed and turning, as well as slew of other categories allowing you to pick a kart or bike that suites your very nature. All of the characters now have the ability to do tricks with their vehicle, accessible by fulfilling the wii-motion curse of almost all Wii games...shaking the Wii wheel... everytime your kart goes off a jump. Besides flooding you with loads of cutesy warm feelings, this ability also gives you a speed boost when you land.

Due to this new ability, the map designers have significantly altered the way they approached their tasks. The game’s new maps shy away from the design of the old, with less tight turns and straight-aways and more obstacles and jumps, with areas molded into half-pipes to allow for more dazzling tricks. They look stunning visually, and can be extremely challenging depending on the difficulty level, which are as follows:



50cc: I Could Do This Blind With Snarling Crazed Weasels In My Face



100cc: Keep Up If You Can!



150cc: Hey! WTF?!!



Mirror Mode: Agggh I Hate This @#$%& Game!!!



As an extra bonus, the game adds four new retro cups that feature varying courses from all the past games in the series, re-mastered and featuring the tricks ability.

Nevertheless, the game does have inherent flaws that are awfully hard to sneak under the rug: first and foremost, as previously mentioned, is the Wii's favorite pastime...the waggle. The Wii as a system has been so important to revolutionizing next-gen gaming that it is terribly unfortunate that it's accomplishments have to be undermined by a motion most compared to erratic masturbation. If game designers could be a little less lazy, and a little more attentive in their designs, perhaps actions like stunt driving, archery and swordsmanship wouldn't look so much like digging a hole or any other comparison you can draw to frantically waving your arms incoherently.

Secondly, winning the races on the hardest difficulties levels takes absolutely no skill whatsoever, just pure luck. This certainly allows gameplayers of all experiences to enjoy it, which is what the Wii is supposed to be about, but for those who play MarioKart religiously and practice everyday to get better, the game is in no way rewarding. Yes, you do get to unlock more karts and characters as you go along, but it is three times more satisfying to say that one is the best at MarioKart rather than the luckiest; but oh well, times change.

The one problem that constantly sticks is mold-infected, annoying tongue out is the balance of items in the game. In short, it is horrific. An example: I was playing Toad Factory on 150cc. I was in first, and going around a turn when someone behind me got a "POW" item and used it. Since I was banking hard to get around the turn, I could not shake the controller to continue moving after the "POW", and it flung me straight into a banana peel. At the same time, a Blooper came along and inked my screen so I could not see. Then lightning hit for the fourth time that race and I got shrunk. A split-second later I got hit by a red shell, and then a split-second after that, I got hit by a blue shell(blue shells seek out the 1st place driver and blow him/her up). By the time I got moving again I was in 9th, and it was the third lap. This brings me to my next point: blue shells. Now I am a huge fan of blue shells When they were first introduced, since they challenged the once untouchable 1st place position. However, they were very rare, maybe one in eight races. In MarioKart Wii, blue shells are almost more common then red shells. I once got hit by four in one race, and one time I got hit three times---count them THREE---in one lap. The only defense against a blue shell is a mushroom, which you never get in 1st place anyway, because it is not a defensive item. One thing I have always been disappointed with in MarioKart is that no one can turn off any of the items.

There are several more faults with the Wii’s item system, but those are too numerous to mention here. All in all, MarioKart Wii, though old, is a game worth keeping until your old age. It a classic that gets better with every new version, and can be played over-and-over again without being tiresome. Though it is severely aggravating, that aggravation comes with the challenge, and I can assuredly say that it is just as difficult to play and beat as any shooter or RPG you may encounter. It will last a lifetime, which is why I think Nintendo will still be a huge contender in gaming for years to come, despite its setbacks.



Ciao.